This is a guide to help you learn to repair relationships after conflict. You can use this with romantic relationships, friendships, or family relationships.
1. Take a break
After an argument, emotions are high. Both people should take time to cool off in a different space. Avoid pushing for immediate resolution if either person is still upset. Instead go for a walk, exercise, or spend time with your pet.
Tip: Use this time to reflect on your feelings and perspective.
2. Reflect
Think about what caused the argument, including your own contributions. This reflection helps each partner understand where they might have misunderstood or overreacted.
Questions to consider:
What feelings did this conflict stir up?
Was there a need or value that felt compromised?
Was the content of the disagreement understandable but the way it was handled hurtful?
3. Time to Discuss
When you are calm, approach your partner and ask if they are calm enough to talk about it. If not then ask them to set a time when they would be able to discuss the argument.
When discussing the conflict, use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming. For example, “I felt hurt when…” rather than “You always…” or "How could you..."
Example: “I felt overwhelmed when I couldn’t get a word in during our argument.”
4. Listen Actively and Repeat what you heard
Give your partner a chance to share their side without interruptions. Active listening means not only hearing their words but also noticing their emotions and body language. Then repeat what you heard in your own words. This will make your partner feel understood or have the time clarify if something was misunderstood.
5. Apologize and Take Responsibility
An honest apology can be incredibly healing. Acknowledge any part you may have played in the conflict and express genuine remorse for how your actions or words might have affected your partner. Own your actions and the impacted on the other person.
Example: “I’m sorry for raising my voice and making you feel dismissed. That wasn't ok. I'm sorry you felt dismissed.”
6. Focus on Solutions, Not Blame
After acknowledging what happened, work together to identify how to avoid similar issues in the future. Agree on steps you can each take to handle conflict in a more healthy way and to respect the other person.
Tip: Be specific about changes you both want to make and write them down if it helps.
Examples: Next time I feel like yelling, I will go for a walk or go to another room. I will call a timeout when I feel like name calling. I will use a coping skill to calm down before continuing. I will let you finish instead of interrupting you.
7. Reconnect Emotionally
Build trust by establishing safety and connection. Ask what your partner needs from you. Do something together that you both enjoy or simply hold hands while talking. Physical touch, affection, or spending quality time together can help reestablish your bond. Ask for consent before touching.
Examples: Go for a walk, cook a meal together, or engage in a shared hobby.
8. Check In Regularly and access for change
To keep conflicts from building up, have routine check-ins where each partner shares feelings or concerns before they escalate. This can create a proactive approach to emotional needs.
Example: Have a weekly or monthly “relationship review” to discuss any emerging issues constructively.
9. Access for change
Access for change. Has your partner followed through on the solutions or are they repeating the same behaviors? If they are repeating the same behaviors it might mean they need individual or couples therapy or other resources to support change. Don’t sweep the repeating behaviors under the rug, this is important information for you to keep in mind. If a relationship is not changing and growing, it may become unhealthy. You cannot force your partner to change but you do have control over whether you stay in the relationship or not.
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