We often have a voice in our head criticizing so much of what we do. It can be helpful to have a critical voice so that we can own up to our mistakes and change, but for many of us the critical voice is out of control. It just serves to tear us down not to help motivate us. In fact, shame often does the opposite, it makes it harder to try, it makes you smaller, it makes you afraid of mistakes.
Use these criteria to ask yourself if the criticism is serving you. Is it true? Is it rational? Is it helpful?
You don't want to be lying to yourself or telling yourself things that aren't helpful, so try rewording the criticism to something more truthful, rational, and helpful. Here are some examples.
Self-Criticism:
"I always mess things up."
Neutral Alternative:
"Sometimes things don’t go as planned, but I can learn from mistakes and improve."
Self-Criticism:
"I’m not good enough."
Neutral Alternative:
"I may feel inadequate right now, but everyone has strengths and areas to grow in. I am capable of improvement."
Self-Criticism:
"I shouldn’t have made that mistake. I’m so stupid."
Neutral Alternative:
"Making mistakes is human, and this is an opportunity to understand what went wrong and do better next time."
Self-Criticism:
"People don't like me."
Neutral Alternative:
"I feel lonely right now, but I can work on building or strengthening relationships with people who value me."
Self-Criticism:
"I’m a failure."
Neutral Alternative:
"I’ve faced setbacks, but failures don’t define me. They are just part of the process of learning and growing."
Self-Criticism:
"I’m so lazy and unproductive."
Neutral Alternative:
"I may not have achieved everything I wanted today, but I can plan small steps to work toward my goals. Things out of my control got in my way or made this difficult."
Self-Criticism:
"I don’t deserve good things."
Neutral Alternative:
"Everyone deserves kindness and good opportunities, including me. I’m worthy of care and success."
Self-Criticism:
"I’m such a burden to others."
Neutral Alternative:
"I might need support right now, but that doesn’t make me a burden. People who care about me want to help."
If you find yourself struggling to change these criticizing thoughts, you may benefit from doing some deeper work in therapy of identifying where these beliefs started and experiences that taught you them. This self-understanding, reflection, and compassion often helps them loose their emotional charge and helps us engage our Wise Mind in how we talk to ourselves. If you are interested in starting therapy, reach out here.
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